iMarriage - VCF Marriage Booster
So, Andy Stanley did not actually come to Manila. We viewed the videos on the large screen at church and the pastors lead the discussions and Q&As. The format works for me. Andy is funny and engaging and was able to communicate the message really well.
It's encouraging to be in a huge room with other couples who want to enrich their marriages. Pastors and their wives were in attendance and there was even a couple who have been married 50 years!
Our table has an interesting demographic. There are 4 couples at different stages of marriage - 3 months, 7 years (us!), 12 years and 29 years. It makes for interesting discussions. =)
I am documenting what I learned below...
Week 1: Keeping my "I" on You
Week 1 was all about understanding Desires and Expectations. Andy said that everyone has desires - live in a big house, have kids, go on annual vacations, etc. When a couple gets married, each of them is carrying a box of desires that at some point transform into expectations. Suddenly, a wife might expect that her husband be able to provide things, or a husband might expect his wife to cook everyday or keep the house clean and organized all the time... When there are expectations, the husband/wife will feel the burden of having to meet it, and marriage turns into a debt-debtor relationship where unconditional love cannot flourish. Andy suggested emptying the box of expectations back into desires and gave us this question to think about for the week: "What does my spouse owe me?"
Week 2: Putting Your "I" Out
The right answer to the question from the previous week? Nothing. Richard doesn't owe me anything and I don't owe him anything.
Expectations are all about the self, the I. On the second week, the discussion was about how to empty our boxes of expectations and focus on meeting the spouse's desires. Without context, it sounds hard even impossible.
These verses in Ephesians provide the context.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord..
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord..
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...
(Ephesians 5:21-25)
The word submit means putting someone else above self not because they deserve it but out of reverence for Christ. We can appreciate or be grateful for all that Christ has done for us and a practical way to express it is towards our spouse.
Week 3: It Takes Three
From the previous session, we were told to focus on our spouse's desires. But what do we do with our own desires?
All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
(1 Peter 5:5-7)
Biblical humility means deciding freely to put others' deal above one's own and grace is the power to do what needs to be done in the moment, for the moment. As we put our spouse's needs above our own, we will also be receiving grace from God. We are told to obey and God will lift us up in due time, i.e. God's time. And to address the question about what to do with our own desires, we are told to cast ALL on God because He cares for us.
So we got a lot of great lessons from the three sessions but the more important thing is applying them. One suggestion was having conversations including confessing the areas where we might have put expectations on our spouse, asking what we can do to make the marriage richer and rewarding our spouse when the accidentally or not, meet specific desires.
I am really glad that Richard and I signed up for this, even if the 4 Friday night sessions seemed daunting at first. Last session is next week but there will be no more videos and discussions. It will be a pre-Valentine activity for the attendees. That should be fun!
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